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im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
english majors be like furthermore
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I’m not stressed
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.