If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already