What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
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I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
The asteroid..
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )