Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
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[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Hey I worked for it too!
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.