I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
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Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.