If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Cool shirt 🙂
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!