When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
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God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.