Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
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[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Bootstraps
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.