couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
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A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*