vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
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“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour