Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-