Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy