I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
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Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.