If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
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Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Hey I worked for it too!
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air