Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
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[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Put my back out twerking in the library again
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Siri, fight Alexa.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”