Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
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Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss: