Still laughing at this stupid meme
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My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u