them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
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*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid