A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
wish me luck lads
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch