[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
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“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
this is so top tier i cant
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.