I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
True
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Teach your children to beatbox
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you