Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
You Might Also Like
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
set yourself free xox
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.