Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
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Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.