Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
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The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
How it started: How it’s going:
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it