Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
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what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
this is how life feels
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
is nasa ok
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU