We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)