I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
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My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
My dad teaching me to drive
Solving a traffic jam
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.