“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
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“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
My dating profile:
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
#Caturday
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP