Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
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Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.