All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
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It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening