*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
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Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman