I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
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Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
incredible text to wake up to
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading