[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
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*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo