Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
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The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving