Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons