When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
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Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right