therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.