Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.