Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.