*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
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My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help