Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
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Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Great acting.. 😂
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.