My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I could NOT have put it better myself.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”