There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
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“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this