Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
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It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Think I pulled my liver
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache