Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
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Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate