My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
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What’s a Messi?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
where’s Godzilla when we need him
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Oh hi lol
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”