Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
very niche meme I made
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”