Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?