Monday
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
My Plans 2020
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I feel seen.
Dishonest mechanic?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin