[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
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BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.